Everyday is Mother's Day

     Mother's Day is the celebration of mothers and motherhood. A mother is the highest position you can hold in some eyes. Mothers are, at times, put upon a pedestal amongst the ranks of Mother Teresa and the Virgin Mary. I both love and dread this Hallmark holiday. My heart is not fully into this day. Don't get me wrong, I am no Mother's Day Scrooge. In fact, I honestly wish for another child someday.

      So why the dreading?- you may ask. The conflict that takes place in my heart is for my SD. She doesn't  know the hurt that I feel for her on this day. I think of her bio-mom sitting somewhere on this day and while she doesn't deserve a second thought, I feel sorry that she is not able to see her daughter on this joyous occasion. I feel anger that there was something inside her that held her back from being the mother she needed to be. I feel sad for my SD, while I am more than happy to step in as her mother- I can't help but wonder if she is longing to celebrate her bio-mom. Even if her bio-mom doesn't cross her mind, she crosses my mind. My love for her is so much that I wish that the past could be erased and that her mother was the kind of the mother that any child deserves. Unfortunately some wishes can not come true. So I try and make the best out of a very unfortunate situation.
    
     On a lighter note, I love being a mother! I spend day in and day out dedicating my life to my kiddos. On most days, being a mother truly is my pleasure. Other days, well.... you can imagine. I don't need a day of breakfast in bed, cards, and celebrations. I wouldn't turn down a long nap though. They came busting in my bedroom at sun up with home made cards, photos, flowers with an such joy. Theirs is the most innocent and pure love that exists--at least until they become teenagers.

     On this past Friday I was fortunate enough to visit my children's school. My schedule this past school year has allowed me few opportunities to visit the school. My own college classes, internship, work and other errands dominated my days and my life. My son's kindergarten class was having a Muffins with Mom event for Mother's Day. When my son laid eyes on me in his classroom that precious face began to glow.. He had just been with me less than an hour before that getting ready for school and waiting for the bus. He acted as if he had not seen me in years. He hugged me and I told him to take his place on the carpet where his classmates were gathered. As he sat on his "parking" spot, he could not take his eyes off of me. He sat with his back to the teacher with a half grin on his face. I would motion with my finger for him to turn around and he would turn his face slightly keeping one eye on me. It was something I had never seen from him, it was pride. He was proud of me and proud that I was there to share in the Muffins with Moms event. If he only knew how proud I was of him. The children did a little song and dance that absolutely melted my heart.  We shared a precious breakfast snack that consisted of muffins, brownies and cinnamon rolls. The thirty minute celebration passed too quickly and it was time to go. My heart was bursting with love and my eyes full of tears that I tried to hide. It felt like the day he was born--when I became a mother.

     Everyday is Mother's Day to me. Like I said above, I don't want or need gifts in celebration of me. My children ARE my gift. Everyday is Mother's Day because I have the joy of celebrating my children, without them I would not be a mother.  Happy Mother's Day to all of you moms, step-moms, adoptive moms, grandmas, single fathers raising children and anyone else who has taken on the amazing journey of raising a beautiful child!!

Can you swim?

They think she walks on water, I want to push her out of the boat and see if she can! Not really, but sometimes I just get soooo angry with Bio-Mom!

So, one topic that just ruffles my feathers is scheduling of visits.

Because our children live with us full time and visits are few and far between in the mind of a child, my hubby and I TRULY want our kids to see the other parents as often as possible.

One thing we run into though is bio-mom wants the visits to be scheduled around HER time. Being that she travels A LOT, she schedules summer visits with the children when she feels she'll have more time to spend with them. Understandable and commendable. The problem I have with this is bio-mom doesn't check with bio-dad BEFORE telling the kids when they will come visit her.

This year, this poses a problem. The twinnies are playing baseball again. It's an activity that all the parents pitched in financially for the kids to do and the boys totally love it. Our season runs until the 1st week of June, then tournament time hits. Tournament can be 1 game or 12 depending on how well the team does. Therefore, we can go well into mid-month before the season ends. But if mom comes to get them when she says she's going to the only thing the team is going to see is a face-full of dust as our kids race to wherever it is that bio-mom is planning to take them this summer. The loyalty of an 11-year-old just doesn't stretch that far when the prospect of amusement parks are dangled in their face.

This isn't sitting well with DH and I. We believe that the kids committed to their team to play the season out. If both kids leave, the team will have to forfeit the rest of the season. So, the quandry presents itself.

In my opinion, this is a teaching moment for our children. They committed to the team to begin the season and finish the season. Bio-mom KNEW they were on a team; heck, she helped pay for it. She was sent a team schedule and this isn't our first rodeo.... err, game season.

I pray often that one day the light blub will click on and she'll realize that the world doesn't revolve around her. MY home doesn't revolved and her. And most importantly, she missed out on the BEST years of her life!

Just Love Them

Blending families is one of the biggest causes of divorce.  My very own blended family growing up is now divorced and has been for years. Being a step-parent and raising someone else’s child is one of the most challenging jobs any person could ever take on. It was something I never understood until I grew up to marry into my second blended family… the one consisting of my husband, his daughter, and our son. And let me tell you it is not as easy as looks. “Easy?” you ask “Who said anything about it being easy?” Well no one ever said anything about it being easy but my step-father (Daddy Paul) made it look so effortless that I believed it to be easy. He made it look like something off a 70’s sitcom about a blended family where every problem is solved with a heart-to-heart and a hug.

I’ll never know how he dealt with his three children from a first marriage, a teenaged stepdaughter, a toddler stepdaughter (That’s me!) and a newborn baby boy. I don’t remember much from that time because he & my mother got together when I was three years old and divorced when I was kindergarten-aged. The marriage may have ended there but our relationship didn’t.  I knew I had a “real” daddy who I would see a few times a year. I knew Daddy Paul was not my biological father but there was a bond there that could not be broken. I never felt like a step-daughter or what I really was an ex step-daughter – amazing enough being one of four daughters, he still made me feel like daddy’s little girl. I would still visit him and my step-siblings often after the divorce. I would stay a whole weekend at a time with him and my step-siblings. I would not want to come home to my mother. It always felt like family. My Daddy Paul once told me, “The parents may divorce but parents don’t divorce children.”  There were fights and making up. There were tears and laughter. I even got in trouble more than a few times.  When I would go back to my mom’s it was just the two of us. Even years after the divorce it felt so lonely, so empty, so quiet without my Daddy Paul and my siblings.

Since being an adult and becoming a step-parent myself, I have had a few conversations with him about parenting and step-parenting. I expressed to him on one occasion that I wasn’t sure if I was a good step-mother. I further told him that I did not know how he had done it with 6 children including 2 steps.  He said to me, “When you all were kids and I had a bad day I would come home from work and seeing you kids and being with you kids made it all better.” I continued to tell him that I have my days when I worry that I’m going to “mess” my kids up. He then said to me, “That’s how you know you are doing something right because you are worried about being a good parent. The ones who don’t worry are the ones who need to worry. All you have to do is remember one thing... Just Love Them. That’s all they will ever need. Just Love Them.”  The words seemed so simple “Just Love Them,” but again coming from Daddy Paul everything seems so simple and so easy.

I struggle with parenting as most of us do.  I have an internal battle because I know there are days when I am much less than what these precious children deserve. I want my step-daughter to grow up and say the same thing I say about my Daddy Paul. I want her to say that she never felt like a step-daughter. I know that I have my weaknesses and I have my low points. But on those days I pick myself up and I remember the words “Just Love Them.”  After all my Daddy Paul just loved me and that made all the difference in my childhood and in my parenthood.

The Big Bad Wolf and The Kid's Side of the Story

A few days ago, I posted on Facebook my frustrations with my step-kids that most often view me as the Big Bad Wolf rather than a mom. They seem not to appreciate me and are at times very rude and disrespectful.

But overall, I feel like my SSs and I have a good relationship and our blended family seems to mesh well most of the time. So why do they act like rotten, spoiled pains at times?

Well, let's be fair.....

My husband works crazy work hours and sometimes works a 2nd or 3rd job. He leaves often before sun-rise and it's not unusual for him to arrive home just before bedtime or well after. The boys' mother lives out of state therefore they only visit several times a year. She stays active by phone, but that's just not the same as being involved in everyday issues.

So, who gets to deal with the problems? Who breaks up family tension? Who deals with the attitude when someone wakes up on the wrong side of the bed? Who gets a call from the principal or teacher about grades or behavior issues? Who's job is it to enforce punishment? Who does the grounding? Who says "no, you can't go play because you didn't do your chores"? Who says "Please stop", "Settle down", "Don't hit your brother", "STOP running in the house", "I don't care how things are at your mom's this is MY house" 423,567 times before she blows her stack?

Me! That's who!!

No wonder these fellas look to me as the evil one in the family! While I do try to love them and show that love abundantly during everyday happening, the cloak of doom is usually on my shoulders. So, I have to remember not to take things so personal. Maybe it's time to try discipline with even more love. Because it really does stink to be the "mean one".